woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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