Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
