i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
