I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
