just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
