the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
His nipple licking is glorious
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