Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
