someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
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