It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
