It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
