In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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