she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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