Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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