Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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