i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
