i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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