for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
