You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize