I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
