I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize