you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
