If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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