I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
