Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
