he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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