Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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