it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
