My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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