1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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