I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
