You just made me feel so damn special
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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