Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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