Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
