The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
