I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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