a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
