I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
