I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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