forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You need Xanax blowdarts
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize