Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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