i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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