I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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