You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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