Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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