Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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