i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
