I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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