he thought i was a dude.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
