if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
