I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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