John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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