C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
