My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
