Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
