If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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