My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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