So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
