Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
