The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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