how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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