It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize