meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
3 2 1 whiskey
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
