oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
